It started with my need to move away from Google Docs, I felt like all my ideas were seperated and away from my mind unless I found that random document far down on the list that I forgot about. Then things changed: The spiral began.

First it was Notion, a way to structure every single random idea that came to my head in one place. This made sense: A second brain, if you will - even though I didn’t use the template, I had a similar idea.

Then there was VS Code, writing bad CSS and a million website ideas floating in my head. I needed to make more projects, write more code - I’d become an experience programmer someday, and by someday I meant in a year and then everything would come to me.

And then came any writing tool I messed with - I was going to become an author at the same time. Surely that was feasible. I would accomplish a full book series within a few years time thanks to the power of motivation and spite (though it might’ve been motivation from spite). I wouldn’t even need a good publisher - I’d just publish it myself. Simple enough, I’d just split my time between coding and writing.

Following that, I started watching PirateSoftware, and had an epiphany - I could be a game dev. I’d already loved game modding, why not mix my love of writing and coding together? Sure it would be another thing to learn - what with 3D modelling and game design - but I could do it.

And then, I fell in love with video editing again. I used to do it a while ago - surely all of that knowledge I’d gained from that hyperfixation would come back to me, right? Besides I’d always wanted to share my knowledge through presentation and visual effects somehow - so I finally opened a YouTube channel (Btw, check it out here). I could combine my love of games, tech, and writing, all in one! Plus, I add one more thing to do with my time.

But of course, I couldn’t just start one YouTube channel - I also wanted to livestream on Twitch (Thanks, Thor!), and this could lead back into my other passions yet again - I could livestream my efforts to learn all this stuff! I could be successful, I could accomplish all or at least most of these things…

…And then, the day wandered away from me. I didn’t end up doing much outside brainstorm a little more. I remembered I had friends. I had family. I had people that were watching out for me and worrying about me. Consumed in the drive to be something more than I was, I ended up leaving behind so much. I’d tell myself tomorrow will be different.

Surely, it would be different.

Okay, enough depression

If only for a minute, before we finish this short little rant, let’s reflect. I don’t expect anyone to relate to what I’ve said - I know some will, and some won’t. But that’s not the point - the point is this cycle is endless for me. I never stop, I always go back to square one. But… maybe it won’t always be that. Call me a dreamer but I think someday it’ll seem clearer - I mean, that logic did kind of get me into this mess, but maybe it’ll be real in the future. Maybe I will be successful. Maybe I will publish that book. Maybe I will be all I think I can be.

Or maybe I won’t. These will stay passions, and I will never take them professional. Who knows? I don’t, that’s for sure. But it has helped to get this out somewhere, and for now, I’ll just keep going. Life can suck, and that’s okay. It still does sometimes but you might as well accept it and keep going. Not being all fun doesn’t make it not worth it.

Besides, if life means I can come up with a million different goals and hope that I can work towards them faster than I am, maybe it’s just fine.

Until next time.